Josh Beckett has some choice words for the home plate umpire after the first inning of last night’s game against the Twins

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An open letter to from Josh Beckett to his teammates, as imagined by Surviving Grady:

I know going into this season, a lot of folks didn’t quite know what to expect from me. I was… let’s say… the wild card. Was I going to be 2007 Josh, or was I going to be 2010 Josh.

So I stepped up my game. Toned down a bit on the whiskey and barbecue and punching random people on the street if I didn’t like the “cut of their jib.” And I think I’ve pitched pretty f$%king bad ass this season. Lights out in some cases. I’ve had at least a few opposing batters offer me their wives or a new set of wheels to take a day off when they come to town.

Things is, for all my work, I don’t have a whole lot to show for it. In fact, the last five times I dragged my ass out there, I’ve given up a total of seven runs over 34 innings. Now I don’t have to check my abacus to know that’s some pretty f$%king quality pitching there.

On the other hand, you guys haven’t really held up your end of the bargain. Of those aforementioned five games, I only got one win. So while I’m pretty f#$king pleased to be leading the team in ERA, you and I and this here pair of hedge clippers which I am thrusting into the air just to emphasize my point and not at all to threaten you know I should also be leading the team in wins.

But I’m a professional. And the fact that you’ve all still got your ears attached to your heads is testament to that. But I have my breaking point. Who knows? If I pitch my sack off tonight only to see you dinks score me one or two runs, I may just hit that point and cut the brakes on the team bus or lace the clubhouse beer with enough horse tranquilizer to make it so you don’t even feel me sawing off your kneecaps and fashioning a crude but ornamental necklace out of them.

BOSTON, MA - APRIL 16, 2011: Josh Beckett #19 and manager Terry Francona of the Boston Red Sox confer in the bottom of the seventh inning in the dug against the Toronto Blue Jays at Fenway Park April 16, 2011 in Boston, Massachusetts. (Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images)